Could the economic news get any worse?

I was reading CNN this morning and buried in the news that Ted Kennedy passed away was this alarming tidbit: "Beer prices are going up". You would think news this alarming would be banner headlines in every paper in America. It's bad enough that this economy has caused home values to tank, 401ks to crash, businesses to cut staff, and forced families to "take" staycations -- whatever those are. Now the only real coping method some Americans have is becoming a victim of the free market.

The story says that rising commodity prices and lower beer volumes are working together to cause the price increase. (I think I've heard this before... Aren't these the exact same reasons why gas prices went up last summer?) Anheuser-Busch says it will raise prices across the board. Heineken says that its global price increases have helped it turn profits despite sagging volumes. (Same argument that Exxon-Mobile used as it announced the largest quarterly profit ever!)

Well, I for one am not going to stand for this. I am writing my congressman today. Big beer is not going to screw the average guy. I think it is time to repeal the liquor tax to help subsidize my beer consumption. It's time to start taxing these brewers' profits. We need legislation to start drilling for beer in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge. We must work together at "beer-parties" to show them we are not going to stand for this kind of behavior -- a united front with lots and lots of yelling will squelch debate about why they need to raise prices! I think we need national beer-brewing reform! We need a public option for beer buyers. Free and reduced beer for low income families. I also want to see Pete Coors' birth certificate. He is obviously NOT an American. We also need vouchers from the government to subsidize "beer choice". I want to be able to drink any beer I want and pay with a voucher -- after all, I pay my taxes!

The government should also offer rebates when I trade in old, out-dated beer on a brand new six-pack. They can call the program BARS -- The Beer Aging Recovery Service Act. The government can provide subsidies of $4.95 for out-dated American beer and $3.95 for Imports per six-pack. Liquor stores will have to fill out reams of paperwork and login to high-traffic government websites and request their refunds. Beyond that, I want to know the names of the executives that are benefiting from these higher prices. Do they get huge bonuses based on these increased profits? Did they just take a lavish cruise? Or buy a new Chevy Volt? Do they own more than one home? Did they just buy their wife a new labradoodle? I want to know!

Damn... Where's my congressman's address? Oh well. I guess I just pay the higher price...

D