I knew football this weekend would leave something to be desired, but the rest of the events of the weekend were completely unexpected.
I knew South would have their hands full with Hutchinson. There are college teams that don’t have the size and speed that Hutch has. South played with them for 18 minutes, then Hutch woke up. The final ended up being 41-6, or something like that…
I knew that JD's team would have to play great to win, too. On Saturday, the Eagles played the Concordia Panthers. Last year, the Panthers went undefeated and outscored their opponents by 77 points through 6 games. We played well for almost 20 minutes but let them score right before half and trailed 20-6. We ended up losing 34-12.
I was up in the air about the Wildcats, but thought this game could be ugly. Last night, courtesy of espn360.com, I watched K-State play – and I use the term “play” in the loosest sense of the term. They looked terrible. Ron Prince obviously left NO talent on this team. Had he returned K-State may have been staring at a 2-10 season.
At halftime I decided that a shower would be more entertaining than the game. As I finished, I heard the tell tale gurgle of a stopped up sewer line. We have a problem spot where a two inch line dumps into the four inch main, so I assumed that I had a 10 minute job ahead of me and I’d be subjected to more bad football.
Wrong! The problem was bigger than I anticipated and kept me busy until 10:00. It was a fitting end – K-State playing like crap, and I’m trying to get crap (literally) flowing again. At 10:00 we decided that we would head for Ellsworth so we could sh*t, shave, and shower (again, literally).
We were up early and headed back for church. After church I ate quickly and started digging. 90 minutes later, I found the clean out and rented a sewer snake. Why someone would bury a sewer clean out is unclear – when they’re buried, they’re harder to find...
Kim suggested I call a plumber. What? The king of DIY, call a plumber? Especially when I get to rent a really cool power tool? NEVER!
I removed a wad of roots and made sure water was flowing – checked to see that sh*t was running downhill. All was good. Two hours later, I’m back to square one. I went back and got the sewer snake again, reamed it out again. This time I retrieved a wad or roots and hair and whatever else plugs up sewers that was as big as a baseball. Again I checked for proper flow. Flushed the toilets with more paper than an average person uses in a week, ran water until the ejection pump ejected, and kicked the sump pump on to see that it was not flowing back into the basin. All was good! Again!
I missed most of the football today, but my Cowboys saved a total washout with a victory over the Tampa Bay Bucs. I also managed to stay in both Eliminator games that I’m competing in: Auburn, Illinois, and the Seahawks all won, keeping me eligible for another week. If I lose at that and don’t win the pot, I can always just fall back on my plumbing skills.
D
9.09.2009
Who knew!?!
The True Origins of the Jaywawk
The "jay hawk" was actually the 2nd choice for the University of Kansas' mascot.
The first choice, while also a fictional bird, was more of a nod to the region's evolving biological diversity.
Newly arriving settlers to the Kansas Territories were often amazed at the abundance of what we refer to today as "barn swallows", so much so that the area of what is today east-central Kansas was commonly referred to as "swallow country". As more and more settlers moved to the area, so did their livestock, influencing the overall makeup of the region's animal population. One settler of the time described this integration of the native and domesticated as "a rainbow of diversity, with a flag of waving wheat and the song of the swallow and the crow of the rooster its anthem."
University of Kansas founders were taken by this description of Kansas and thought a representation of this sentiment would be a good emblem for the University. So it was decided that the convergence of the rooster and swallow would from that point on represent the University of Kansas.
They would forever be known as the Kansas Swallowcocks.
Unfortunately, the name wasn't greeted with the enthusiastic acceptance that university founders had hoped. Many inverted the name and called them Cockswallows, or in the native vernacular, "cock swallers". Others became concerned over the origins of the mascot, fearing a literal union of a cock and a swallow had indeed taken place. Still others feared the mascot may be interpreted metaphorically in some way as an abomination to God.
However, the ultimate insult came when it was discovered that the much-celebrated swallows were not swallows at all, but merely common blue jays, a mistake that in retrospect seems absurdly incomprehensible. Despite the obvious mis-identification, raging debates ensued between university founders and the common, uneducated settlers. Fearing alienation and widespread public backlash, university founders backed off their position and conceded that the grandiose swallow upon which they had pinned their identity was, in fact, merely the common blue jay.
In the end, a compromise was agreed upon. At the suggestion of town elders it was decided that a virtual synonym of "swallow cock" would be the official mascot of the university, and the "jayhawk" was adopted.
Even though the modern-era mascot bears little resemblance to the founders' original selection, it still strongly represents their vision for the university and the Lawrence as a whole.
What today is called a jayhawk, is still clearly a rainbow-flag waving, cock-swallowing, beacon of ignorance and ironic arrogance.
-----------------------------------------
Thanks for the history lesson Kevin, you learn something new everyday!
D
The "jay hawk" was actually the 2nd choice for the University of Kansas' mascot.
The first choice, while also a fictional bird, was more of a nod to the region's evolving biological diversity.
Newly arriving settlers to the Kansas Territories were often amazed at the abundance of what we refer to today as "barn swallows", so much so that the area of what is today east-central Kansas was commonly referred to as "swallow country". As more and more settlers moved to the area, so did their livestock, influencing the overall makeup of the region's animal population. One settler of the time described this integration of the native and domesticated as "a rainbow of diversity, with a flag of waving wheat and the song of the swallow and the crow of the rooster its anthem."
University of Kansas founders were taken by this description of Kansas and thought a representation of this sentiment would be a good emblem for the University. So it was decided that the convergence of the rooster and swallow would from that point on represent the University of Kansas.
They would forever be known as the Kansas Swallowcocks.
Unfortunately, the name wasn't greeted with the enthusiastic acceptance that university founders had hoped. Many inverted the name and called them Cockswallows, or in the native vernacular, "cock swallers". Others became concerned over the origins of the mascot, fearing a literal union of a cock and a swallow had indeed taken place. Still others feared the mascot may be interpreted metaphorically in some way as an abomination to God.
However, the ultimate insult came when it was discovered that the much-celebrated swallows were not swallows at all, but merely common blue jays, a mistake that in retrospect seems absurdly incomprehensible. Despite the obvious mis-identification, raging debates ensued between university founders and the common, uneducated settlers. Fearing alienation and widespread public backlash, university founders backed off their position and conceded that the grandiose swallow upon which they had pinned their identity was, in fact, merely the common blue jay.
In the end, a compromise was agreed upon. At the suggestion of town elders it was decided that a virtual synonym of "swallow cock" would be the official mascot of the university, and the "jayhawk" was adopted.
Even though the modern-era mascot bears little resemblance to the founders' original selection, it still strongly represents their vision for the university and the Lawrence as a whole.
What today is called a jayhawk, is still clearly a rainbow-flag waving, cock-swallowing, beacon of ignorance and ironic arrogance.
-----------------------------------------
Thanks for the history lesson Kevin, you learn something new everyday!
D
Keeping up with the Warren's
A Typical Week
A typical week in our house is anything but relaxing. With Kay and JD playing sports, plus midweek, plus school our week goes something like this: Monday: Volleyball, Football, Boy Scouts (After football practice moves to fall hours); Tuesday: Soccer, Football, Baton Twirling, and an occasional church meeting; Wednesday: Midweek meal, Occasional cooking or cleanup after the meal at church, and Kimmie is teaching a midweek class; Thursday: Soccer, Football; Friday: High School Football; Saturday: Volleyball, Soccer, Football, K-State Football;, Sunday: Church and REST!
FOOTBALL!
This past weekend was week one of three seasons. The South High team dismantled Ark City to start their season off with a win. The favor will be returned this Friday when Hutch comes to town. Saturday at 2:00, JD mad his debut as the Salina Eagles quarterback. He led them to a 12-0 victory over the bears. A review of his performance would be that he managed the game. No turnovers. Couple of squirrely hand offs. One bad pitch. And a 1-5 passing performance. One of his incompletions was thrown to the opposite of where the receiver was. JD threw left, Mike was right... He's still learning! From there we went to Manhattan (pronounced Man-ha-in by both of my children). K-State won. That's about all I can say. And that their tackling was light years ahead of where it was last year.
Upcoming Chores
I need to cut firewood, soon. I have to move furniture from our room to Kay's and Kay's to JD's. Kay is giving her desk to JD and Kay is getting Kim's dressing table. I also need to clean the garage before winter. I also need to sand JD's lockers, prime, and paint them. They're going in his room and I'd like to get that done in the next few weeks. In November I may tackle remodeling the bathroom upstairs. I plan on gutting it and starting from the studs and working out!
Into Every Life (or Dodge Truck) a Little Rain Must Fall
Last night, for some reason I have yet to discover, I left the passenger side window of my truck down. Not just cracked, but all the way down. We got 1.25" of rain in Salina last night. I had water standing in the floor board, the seat is soaked, and the door pockets were full! It may be October before it dries out. On the bright side, it cleaned my floor mats for me!
D
A typical week in our house is anything but relaxing. With Kay and JD playing sports, plus midweek, plus school our week goes something like this: Monday: Volleyball, Football, Boy Scouts (After football practice moves to fall hours); Tuesday: Soccer, Football, Baton Twirling, and an occasional church meeting; Wednesday: Midweek meal, Occasional cooking or cleanup after the meal at church, and Kimmie is teaching a midweek class; Thursday: Soccer, Football; Friday: High School Football; Saturday: Volleyball, Soccer, Football, K-State Football;, Sunday: Church and REST!
FOOTBALL!
This past weekend was week one of three seasons. The South High team dismantled Ark City to start their season off with a win. The favor will be returned this Friday when Hutch comes to town. Saturday at 2:00, JD mad his debut as the Salina Eagles quarterback. He led them to a 12-0 victory over the bears. A review of his performance would be that he managed the game. No turnovers. Couple of squirrely hand offs. One bad pitch. And a 1-5 passing performance. One of his incompletions was thrown to the opposite of where the receiver was. JD threw left, Mike was right... He's still learning! From there we went to Manhattan (pronounced Man-ha-in by both of my children). K-State won. That's about all I can say. And that their tackling was light years ahead of where it was last year.
Upcoming Chores
I need to cut firewood, soon. I have to move furniture from our room to Kay's and Kay's to JD's. Kay is giving her desk to JD and Kay is getting Kim's dressing table. I also need to clean the garage before winter. I also need to sand JD's lockers, prime, and paint them. They're going in his room and I'd like to get that done in the next few weeks. In November I may tackle remodeling the bathroom upstairs. I plan on gutting it and starting from the studs and working out!
Into Every Life (or Dodge Truck) a Little Rain Must Fall
Last night, for some reason I have yet to discover, I left the passenger side window of my truck down. Not just cracked, but all the way down. We got 1.25" of rain in Salina last night. I had water standing in the floor board, the seat is soaked, and the door pockets were full! It may be October before it dries out. On the bright side, it cleaned my floor mats for me!
D
8.26.2009
Could the economic news get any worse?
I was reading CNN this morning and buried in the news that Ted Kennedy passed away was this alarming tidbit: "Beer prices are going up". You would think news this alarming would be banner headlines in every paper in America. It's bad enough that this economy has caused home values to tank, 401ks to crash, businesses to cut staff, and forced families to "take" staycations -- whatever those are. Now the only real coping method some Americans have is becoming a victim of the free market.
The story says that rising commodity prices and lower beer volumes are working together to cause the price increase. (I think I've heard this before... Aren't these the exact same reasons why gas prices went up last summer?) Anheuser-Busch says it will raise prices across the board. Heineken says that its global price increases have helped it turn profits despite sagging volumes. (Same argument that Exxon-Mobile used as it announced the largest quarterly profit ever!)
Well, I for one am not going to stand for this. I am writing my congressman today. Big beer is not going to screw the average guy. I think it is time to repeal the liquor tax to help subsidize my beer consumption. It's time to start taxing these brewers' profits. We need legislation to start drilling for beer in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge. We must work together at "beer-parties" to show them we are not going to stand for this kind of behavior -- a united front with lots and lots of yelling will squelch debate about why they need to raise prices! I think we need national beer-brewing reform! We need a public option for beer buyers. Free and reduced beer for low income families. I also want to see Pete Coors' birth certificate. He is obviously NOT an American. We also need vouchers from the government to subsidize "beer choice". I want to be able to drink any beer I want and pay with a voucher -- after all, I pay my taxes!
The government should also offer rebates when I trade in old, out-dated beer on a brand new six-pack. They can call the program BARS -- The Beer Aging Recovery Service Act. The government can provide subsidies of $4.95 for out-dated American beer and $3.95 for Imports per six-pack. Liquor stores will have to fill out reams of paperwork and login to high-traffic government websites and request their refunds. Beyond that, I want to know the names of the executives that are benefiting from these higher prices. Do they get huge bonuses based on these increased profits? Did they just take a lavish cruise? Or buy a new Chevy Volt? Do they own more than one home? Did they just buy their wife a new labradoodle? I want to know!
Damn... Where's my congressman's address? Oh well. I guess I just pay the higher price...
D
The story says that rising commodity prices and lower beer volumes are working together to cause the price increase. (I think I've heard this before... Aren't these the exact same reasons why gas prices went up last summer?) Anheuser-Busch says it will raise prices across the board. Heineken says that its global price increases have helped it turn profits despite sagging volumes. (Same argument that Exxon-Mobile used as it announced the largest quarterly profit ever!)
Well, I for one am not going to stand for this. I am writing my congressman today. Big beer is not going to screw the average guy. I think it is time to repeal the liquor tax to help subsidize my beer consumption. It's time to start taxing these brewers' profits. We need legislation to start drilling for beer in the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge. We must work together at "beer-parties" to show them we are not going to stand for this kind of behavior -- a united front with lots and lots of yelling will squelch debate about why they need to raise prices! I think we need national beer-brewing reform! We need a public option for beer buyers. Free and reduced beer for low income families. I also want to see Pete Coors' birth certificate. He is obviously NOT an American. We also need vouchers from the government to subsidize "beer choice". I want to be able to drink any beer I want and pay with a voucher -- after all, I pay my taxes!
The government should also offer rebates when I trade in old, out-dated beer on a brand new six-pack. They can call the program BARS -- The Beer Aging Recovery Service Act. The government can provide subsidies of $4.95 for out-dated American beer and $3.95 for Imports per six-pack. Liquor stores will have to fill out reams of paperwork and login to high-traffic government websites and request their refunds. Beyond that, I want to know the names of the executives that are benefiting from these higher prices. Do they get huge bonuses based on these increased profits? Did they just take a lavish cruise? Or buy a new Chevy Volt? Do they own more than one home? Did they just buy their wife a new labradoodle? I want to know!
Damn... Where's my congressman's address? Oh well. I guess I just pay the higher price...
D
8.24.2009
Howling good time!
My neighborhood has a lot of dogs. By my count there are 11 in close proximity to my house -- Mine, three next door, two next to them, one next to that house, and 4 at the three houses directly behind those. Most of the time they are all well behaved, except mine escaped on Friday and was picked up by the Dog Gestapo. It only cost me $42 in bail money to get her back.
Saturday, JD was practicing his trumpet. He has to practice 20 minutes a day, 5 days a week. Since the sound is unbearable, Kim, Kay and I went outside and enjoyed a quite evening next to the fire pit. We heard JD play one song and then nothing. 20 minutes later he joins us. "You need to practice 20 minutes, son."
JD: "I did."
Dad: "No. You didn't. We can hear you and that was more like two, not twenty."
JD: "I practiced 20 minutes."
Dad: "No. You didn't. Go practice."
JD: "If I practice more, I'm putting down 40 minutes."
Dad: "No. You won't. Go practice."
This went on for a while, then he reluctantly went back inside to practice. Moments later he was outside again, this time with trumpet in hand to "prove" that he had indeed practiced. He broke into a rousing rendition of Rock and Roll Blues or something with a similar title. Let me just say: Louis Armstrong he ain't! Within moments of his first note, every dog in the neighborhood was howling. Kim and I started laughing but he kept on playing. When it was over you could faintly hear every dog in the neighborhood breathing a sigh of relief. Me too.
D
Saturday, JD was practicing his trumpet. He has to practice 20 minutes a day, 5 days a week. Since the sound is unbearable, Kim, Kay and I went outside and enjoyed a quite evening next to the fire pit. We heard JD play one song and then nothing. 20 minutes later he joins us. "You need to practice 20 minutes, son."
JD: "I did."
Dad: "No. You didn't. We can hear you and that was more like two, not twenty."
JD: "I practiced 20 minutes."
Dad: "No. You didn't. Go practice."
JD: "If I practice more, I'm putting down 40 minutes."
Dad: "No. You won't. Go practice."
This went on for a while, then he reluctantly went back inside to practice. Moments later he was outside again, this time with trumpet in hand to "prove" that he had indeed practiced. He broke into a rousing rendition of Rock and Roll Blues or something with a similar title. Let me just say: Louis Armstrong he ain't! Within moments of his first note, every dog in the neighborhood was howling. Kim and I started laughing but he kept on playing. When it was over you could faintly hear every dog in the neighborhood breathing a sigh of relief. Me too.
D
8.21.2009
Could it be inefficiency?
The USPS -- United States Postal Service, the people who deliver our mail through rain or snow or dark of night -- recorded a loss of $2.8 billion for fiscal year 2008. Its debt increased by over $4 billion by the end of the calender year to $7.2 billion. I think that may be due to inefficiencies in the agency. I offer this one example as the sole basis for my hypothesis:
On Saturday, I ordered my lovely wife a gift from a store in Denver, CO. Why? No reason. I do that all the time. I buy her gifts because she's wonderful. Do I have to have a reason to buy her a gift? Anyway, the package was shipped on Monday, from Denver, via so-called Priority Mail. The USPS describes Priority Mail in the following manner on their website:
Get it there quickly.
With two-to-three-day delivery to most locations, Priority Mail services are your choice for fast, affordable shipping.
HA! is all I have to say. My 2-3 day Priority Mail package arrived today -- five days later and two days late by my calculations. The USPS managed to turn a 450 mile Denver-to-Salina trip in to an epic 995 mile journey that routed my package from Denver to Omaha to Wichita to Salina. How efficient is that? Or maybe Salina, KS isn't "most locations."
Presumably the USPS would like to compete with UPS and FedEx for shipping dollars, especially with the rise of package traffic generated by online shopping. But UPS would have never sent my package to the Land of Corn. They would have shipped it from Denver to Salina to my door and I would have had it Tuesday, Wednesday at the latest. FedEx would have flown it from Denver to Memphis to Wichita to Salina to my door -- I would have paid a lot more, but I would have had it Tuesday as well.
If the USPS wants ebayers and other online shoppers to use their services, shouldn't they do what UPS and FedEx do and deliver the package quickly and efficiently? After all we are a society that demands instant gratification. With a little more efficiency, maybe the USPS could have instantly gratified me!
D
On Saturday, I ordered my lovely wife a gift from a store in Denver, CO. Why? No reason. I do that all the time. I buy her gifts because she's wonderful. Do I have to have a reason to buy her a gift? Anyway, the package was shipped on Monday, from Denver, via so-called Priority Mail. The USPS describes Priority Mail in the following manner on their website:
Get it there quickly.
With two-to-three-day delivery to most locations, Priority Mail services are your choice for fast, affordable shipping.
HA! is all I have to say. My 2-3 day Priority Mail package arrived today -- five days later and two days late by my calculations. The USPS managed to turn a 450 mile Denver-to-Salina trip in to an epic 995 mile journey that routed my package from Denver to Omaha to Wichita to Salina. How efficient is that? Or maybe Salina, KS isn't "most locations."
Presumably the USPS would like to compete with UPS and FedEx for shipping dollars, especially with the rise of package traffic generated by online shopping. But UPS would have never sent my package to the Land of Corn. They would have shipped it from Denver to Salina to my door and I would have had it Tuesday, Wednesday at the latest. FedEx would have flown it from Denver to Memphis to Wichita to Salina to my door -- I would have paid a lot more, but I would have had it Tuesday as well.
If the USPS wants ebayers and other online shoppers to use their services, shouldn't they do what UPS and FedEx do and deliver the package quickly and efficiently? After all we are a society that demands instant gratification. With a little more efficiency, maybe the USPS could have instantly gratified me!
D
8.20.2009
Being sentimental...
I came across this gem this morning... I remember a lot of these from 30 years ago, but nobody says things like this any more... I can hear my mom saying almost every one of these. Enjoy!
Be sure to refill the ice trays, we’re going to have company.
Quit slamming the screen door when you go out!
Be sure and put the windows down when you leave, it looks like it could rain.
You have torn the knees out of that pair of pants so many times there is nothing left to put a patch on.
Don’t you go outside with your school clothes on!
Go comb your hair; it looks like the rats have nested in it all night.
Take that empty bottle to the store with you so you won’t have to pay a deposit on another one.
Put a dish towel over the cake so the flies won’t get on it.
Quit jumping on the floor! I have a cake in the oven and you are going to make it fall if you don’t quit!
Open the back door and see if we can get a breeze through here, it is getting hot.
You can walk to the store; it won’t hurt you to get some exercise.
Don’t sit too close to the TV. It is hard on your eyes.
If you pull that stunt again, I am going to wear you out!
Don’t lose that button; I’ll sew it back on after awhile.
No! I don’t have a dollar for you to go to the movie. Do you think money grows on trees?
Eat those turnips, they’ll make you big and strong like your daddy.
That dog is NOT coming in this house! I don’t care how cold it is out there, dogs don’t stay in the house.
Sit still! I’m trying to get your hair cut straight and you keep moving and it is all messed up.
I don’t want to hear words like that! I’ll wash your mouth out with soap!
If you get a spanking in school and I find out about it, you’ll get another one when you get home.
Quit crossing your eyes! They will get stuck that way!
It’s: ‘Yes Ma’am!’ and ‘No Ma’am!’ to me, young man, and don’t you forget it!
Dee
Be sure to refill the ice trays, we’re going to have company.
Quit slamming the screen door when you go out!
Be sure and put the windows down when you leave, it looks like it could rain.
You have torn the knees out of that pair of pants so many times there is nothing left to put a patch on.
Don’t you go outside with your school clothes on!
Go comb your hair; it looks like the rats have nested in it all night.
Take that empty bottle to the store with you so you won’t have to pay a deposit on another one.
Put a dish towel over the cake so the flies won’t get on it.
Quit jumping on the floor! I have a cake in the oven and you are going to make it fall if you don’t quit!
Open the back door and see if we can get a breeze through here, it is getting hot.
You can walk to the store; it won’t hurt you to get some exercise.
Don’t sit too close to the TV. It is hard on your eyes.
If you pull that stunt again, I am going to wear you out!
Don’t lose that button; I’ll sew it back on after awhile.
No! I don’t have a dollar for you to go to the movie. Do you think money grows on trees?
Eat those turnips, they’ll make you big and strong like your daddy.
That dog is NOT coming in this house! I don’t care how cold it is out there, dogs don’t stay in the house.
Sit still! I’m trying to get your hair cut straight and you keep moving and it is all messed up.
I don’t want to hear words like that! I’ll wash your mouth out with soap!
If you get a spanking in school and I find out about it, you’ll get another one when you get home.
Quit crossing your eyes! They will get stuck that way!
It’s: ‘Yes Ma’am!’ and ‘No Ma’am!’ to me, young man, and don’t you forget it!
Dee
8.19.2009
A few jokes...
The other night a wife was invited out for a night with the ‘girls.’ She told her husband that she would be home by midnight, ‘I promise!’
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, she headed for home. Just as she got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing her husband would probably wake up, she cuckooed another 9 times.
She was really proud of herself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed… 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 cuckoos MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning the husband asked what time she got in, "MIDNIGHT" she replied… he didn’t seem pissed off in the least………. "Whew", she thinks "I got away with that one!"
Then the husband said ‘We need a new cuckoo clock.’ When asked why, he said, ‘Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times then said ‘oh shit.’ Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted...
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A little girl asked her Mom, “Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?” Mom replies, “No, because she is in heat.”
“What’s that mean?” asked the child. “Go ask your father. I think he’s in the garage.”
The little girl goes to the garage and says, “Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you.”
Dad said, “Bring Belle over here.” He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog’s backside with it to disguise the scent, and said, “OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block.”
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.
Surprised, Dad asked, “Where’s Belle?”
The little girl said, “She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, another dog is pushing her home.”
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A young woman brings home her fiancée to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiancée to his study for a drink.
“So what are your plans?” the father asks the young man.
“I am a Bible scholar,” he replies.
“A Bible scholar. Hmm.” the father says. “Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in as she’s accustomed to?”
“I will study,” the young man replies, “and God will provide for us.”
“And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring such as she deserves?” asks the father.
“I will concentrate on my studies,” the young man replies, “and God will provide for us.”
“And children?” asks the father. “How will you support children?”
“Don’t worry, sir, God will provide,” replies the fiancée.
The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide.
Later, the mother asks, “How did it go, honey?”
The father answers, “He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I’m God.”
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A couple was invited to a swanky costume party. The Mrs. got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.
He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early, decided to go the party.
Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice looking woman he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.
His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished , naturally, since he was her husband. Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed.
So off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had.
He said: ‘Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you’re not there.’
‘Did you dance much ?’
‘I’ll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys and we went into the den and played poker all evening.
But you’re not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to….
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The Pentagon recently found it had too many officers, and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who retired straight away his full annual benefits plus $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points on his body, with the officer getting to select any pair of points he wished.
The first man, an Air Force general, accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. Six feet. He walked out with a check of $720,000.
The second man, an Army general, asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. Eight feet. He walked out with a check for $960,000.
When the third one, a grizzled old Navy commander, was asked where to measure, he told the pension man: “From the tip of my penis to my testicles.”
The pension man suggested that perhaps he might like to reconsider, pointing out the nice checks the previous two generals had received. The commander insisted and the pension expert said that would be fine, but that he’d better get the medical officer to do the measuring.
The medical officer attended and asked the commander to drop ‘em. He did. The medical officer placed the tape on the tip of the commander’s penis and began to work back. My God!” he said. “Where are your testicles?”
“In Vietnam,” the commander replied.
D
Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, she headed for home. Just as she got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing her husband would probably wake up, she cuckooed another 9 times.
She was really proud of herself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed… 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 cuckoos MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning the husband asked what time she got in, "MIDNIGHT" she replied… he didn’t seem pissed off in the least………. "Whew", she thinks "I got away with that one!"
Then the husband said ‘We need a new cuckoo clock.’ When asked why, he said, ‘Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times then said ‘oh shit.’ Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted...
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A little girl asked her Mom, “Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?” Mom replies, “No, because she is in heat.”
“What’s that mean?” asked the child. “Go ask your father. I think he’s in the garage.”
The little girl goes to the garage and says, “Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you.”
Dad said, “Bring Belle over here.” He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog’s backside with it to disguise the scent, and said, “OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block.”
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.
Surprised, Dad asked, “Where’s Belle?”
The little girl said, “She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, another dog is pushing her home.”
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A young woman brings home her fiancée to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiancée to his study for a drink.
“So what are your plans?” the father asks the young man.
“I am a Bible scholar,” he replies.
“A Bible scholar. Hmm.” the father says. “Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in as she’s accustomed to?”
“I will study,” the young man replies, “and God will provide for us.”
“And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring such as she deserves?” asks the father.
“I will concentrate on my studies,” the young man replies, “and God will provide for us.”
“And children?” asks the father. “How will you support children?”
“Don’t worry, sir, God will provide,” replies the fiancée.
The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions, the young idealist insists that God will provide.
Later, the mother asks, “How did it go, honey?”
The father answers, “He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he thinks I’m God.”
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A couple was invited to a swanky costume party. The Mrs. got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone.
He being a devoted husband protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain and, as it was still early, decided to go the party.
Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice looking woman he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.
His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his current partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new babe that had just arrived. She let him go as far as he wished , naturally, since he was her husband. Finally, he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed.
So off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away, went home, put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, and she asked what kind of a time he had.
He said: ‘Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you’re not there.’
‘Did you dance much ?’
‘I’ll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys and we went into the den and played poker all evening.
But you’re not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to….
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The Pentagon recently found it had too many officers, and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who retired straight away his full annual benefits plus $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points on his body, with the officer getting to select any pair of points he wished.
The first man, an Air Force general, accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. Six feet. He walked out with a check of $720,000.
The second man, an Army general, asked them to measure from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. Eight feet. He walked out with a check for $960,000.
When the third one, a grizzled old Navy commander, was asked where to measure, he told the pension man: “From the tip of my penis to my testicles.”
The pension man suggested that perhaps he might like to reconsider, pointing out the nice checks the previous two generals had received. The commander insisted and the pension expert said that would be fine, but that he’d better get the medical officer to do the measuring.
The medical officer attended and asked the commander to drop ‘em. He did. The medical officer placed the tape on the tip of the commander’s penis and began to work back. My God!” he said. “Where are your testicles?”
“In Vietnam,” the commander replied.
D
8.12.2009
Jackpot!
So last year our football team was small. Mostly. We had 6 guys over 120 lbs, which means they can't carry the ball and mostly played on the line of scrimmage. The rest of our 21 guys with the exception on 1 weighed less than 90 lbs, with a large number of those boys weighing less than 75 lbs. Do you know how hard it is for a 60 lb corner back to tackle a 110 lb running back? Needless to say we needed to bulk up.
Our priority in the draft was size. First we drafted the biggest, most athletic kid we could. Second pick we went for speed, third round we drafted the fastest kid left. Then picked up three others through an assigned player (we went through the kids that were left in alphabetical order and assigned them to each team until all the kids were gone).
Tonight we had our team meeting. The kids we drafted weighed in as follows: 125, 110, and 90. The three we were assigned came in at 150, 95, and 100. After reviewing the entire list, we now have only 4 kids under 80. It was amazing how some of the returning kids had filled out!
Practice starts Monday. Season in three weeks. Now the fun begins.
D
Our priority in the draft was size. First we drafted the biggest, most athletic kid we could. Second pick we went for speed, third round we drafted the fastest kid left. Then picked up three others through an assigned player (we went through the kids that were left in alphabetical order and assigned them to each team until all the kids were gone).
Tonight we had our team meeting. The kids we drafted weighed in as follows: 125, 110, and 90. The three we were assigned came in at 150, 95, and 100. After reviewing the entire list, we now have only 4 kids under 80. It was amazing how some of the returning kids had filled out!
Practice starts Monday. Season in three weeks. Now the fun begins.
D
8.10.2009
MY EYES!
Yesterday, Sunday, Kim, the kids, and I ventured to Derby to see Deiter (mom and dad’s new dog) and then visit Rock River Rapids – Derby’s water park. The trip was fun, the dog was great (I love Schnauzers), and the water was refreshing. The problem? The people.
Let me start by saying that I do not judge people on appearance alone. But I find it hard to take people seriously when they dress the way they do. The Tri Rivers fair is a good example. Friday night we went to the fair and saw people dressed in the strangest way. One guy, who was with his wife and young daughter, was wearing a shirt that proclaimed in big bold letters: “Love Sucks. True Love Swallows.” (you can buy your own here) How is that appropriate to wear in public? Especially with your wife and daughter in tow? Like I said, I don’t judge on appearance, but if you approached me with that shirt on…I’m probably not going to be inclined to be your friend. Kim and I also racked our brains to figure out how one overweight young lady managed to squeeze into the shorts, or more appropriately the “Daisy Dukes”, and crop top that she had “on”. We could only surmise that she greased herself up and had someone else sit on her to button them. And the bad part was she seemed to be following us. Every time we turned around there were her "abs" and her butt, most of it anyway. How do these people look in the mirror and say "Damn. I look good"? But I digress…
Yesterday at the water park in Derby I saw more overweight people in bikinis than I saw on the cruise. What ever happened to one-piece suits? Something a little less revealing that is still attractive and accentuates the best parts of your figure? There were also at least 4 very pregnant women there – again, nothing wrong with an expectant mother going to the water park, but three of the four moms-to-be were wearing very small bikinis. They looked incredibly uncomfortable. And one was down right disturbing. Then there was the male. He weighed at least 280 and was no taller than Kim. He was very tan – on his arms, neck, and bald head – but looked like he was wearing a white t-shirt (he wasn't). To accentuate the whiteness of his farmer’s tan, he wore black swimming trunks which he had pulled up nearly to his chin. Nice. Pair those mental images with the young teen that was wearing a bra (I’m sure it was, it had a lace back with a clasp and “I LOVE PINK” embroidered in the lace) and boxers. Where were her parents? Why didn't they say “No. You are NOT going to the pool in lingerie.”
Now I am a firm believer that one should be comfortable with themselves. They should love their body and who they are. But can’t you love yourself in private? Do you have to show the whole world? A little discretion please!
D
Let me start by saying that I do not judge people on appearance alone. But I find it hard to take people seriously when they dress the way they do. The Tri Rivers fair is a good example. Friday night we went to the fair and saw people dressed in the strangest way. One guy, who was with his wife and young daughter, was wearing a shirt that proclaimed in big bold letters: “Love Sucks. True Love Swallows.” (you can buy your own here) How is that appropriate to wear in public? Especially with your wife and daughter in tow? Like I said, I don’t judge on appearance, but if you approached me with that shirt on…I’m probably not going to be inclined to be your friend. Kim and I also racked our brains to figure out how one overweight young lady managed to squeeze into the shorts, or more appropriately the “Daisy Dukes”, and crop top that she had “on”. We could only surmise that she greased herself up and had someone else sit on her to button them. And the bad part was she seemed to be following us. Every time we turned around there were her "abs" and her butt, most of it anyway. How do these people look in the mirror and say "Damn. I look good"? But I digress…
Yesterday at the water park in Derby I saw more overweight people in bikinis than I saw on the cruise. What ever happened to one-piece suits? Something a little less revealing that is still attractive and accentuates the best parts of your figure? There were also at least 4 very pregnant women there – again, nothing wrong with an expectant mother going to the water park, but three of the four moms-to-be were wearing very small bikinis. They looked incredibly uncomfortable. And one was down right disturbing. Then there was the male. He weighed at least 280 and was no taller than Kim. He was very tan – on his arms, neck, and bald head – but looked like he was wearing a white t-shirt (he wasn't). To accentuate the whiteness of his farmer’s tan, he wore black swimming trunks which he had pulled up nearly to his chin. Nice. Pair those mental images with the young teen that was wearing a bra (I’m sure it was, it had a lace back with a clasp and “I LOVE PINK” embroidered in the lace) and boxers. Where were her parents? Why didn't they say “No. You are NOT going to the pool in lingerie.”
Now I am a firm believer that one should be comfortable with themselves. They should love their body and who they are. But can’t you love yourself in private? Do you have to show the whole world? A little discretion please!
D
8.06.2009
In the War Room
Last night was the 6th grade Salvation Army Football Draft. The Salina Eagles were prepared.
July 25th we attended the "Skills Evaluation Camp" where we were able to run the prospects through a 40- and 10-yard sprint and a agility drill. We also were able to watch them scrimmage. Evaluating the talent takes a keen eye and a little bit of imagination. But in the end we had our draft board with all 16 of the kids from camp ranked. There were 24 kids entering the league but we were only able to draft the kids who actually participated in the camp. After three rounds, the remaining "draftable" kids, along with the camp no-show kids were divided among the teams.
The Eagles were bad enough last year to earn the number one selection in the draft. We were able to select the number one kid on our board -- a solid prospect with great upside potential. The rest of the kids at the top of our board went quickly. For our second pick, we took the best available athlete. In the third round we went for speed, taking the fastest kid left on the board.
One coach went as far as calling others to ask about a player's skill level. Honest. Before his third pick, he spent 10 minutes on the phone. We all wondered if he was trying to work out a last minute trade. In the end, he picked a lineman. His team is solid at the skill positions, so he was looking for size.
Did I mention we are talking about 11 year-olds? It seems rather insane to be speaking about kids in this way. And it is. We ranked the kids in the order we wanted them, but we still have to remember we're talking about 6th graders. Some of the coaches actually take it too serious -- and it's not the Eagles' coaches!
I actually like the way the kids are divided up -- it keeps one team from loading up and pummelling the rest. It also lets the boys get to know other kids in the community, building friendships that last into High School, whether they attend South, Central, or Sacred Heart.
Go Eagles!
D
July 25th we attended the "Skills Evaluation Camp" where we were able to run the prospects through a 40- and 10-yard sprint and a agility drill. We also were able to watch them scrimmage. Evaluating the talent takes a keen eye and a little bit of imagination. But in the end we had our draft board with all 16 of the kids from camp ranked. There were 24 kids entering the league but we were only able to draft the kids who actually participated in the camp. After three rounds, the remaining "draftable" kids, along with the camp no-show kids were divided among the teams.
The Eagles were bad enough last year to earn the number one selection in the draft. We were able to select the number one kid on our board -- a solid prospect with great upside potential. The rest of the kids at the top of our board went quickly. For our second pick, we took the best available athlete. In the third round we went for speed, taking the fastest kid left on the board.
One coach went as far as calling others to ask about a player's skill level. Honest. Before his third pick, he spent 10 minutes on the phone. We all wondered if he was trying to work out a last minute trade. In the end, he picked a lineman. His team is solid at the skill positions, so he was looking for size.
Did I mention we are talking about 11 year-olds? It seems rather insane to be speaking about kids in this way. And it is. We ranked the kids in the order we wanted them, but we still have to remember we're talking about 6th graders. Some of the coaches actually take it too serious -- and it's not the Eagles' coaches!
I actually like the way the kids are divided up -- it keeps one team from loading up and pummelling the rest. It also lets the boys get to know other kids in the community, building friendships that last into High School, whether they attend South, Central, or Sacred Heart.
Go Eagles!
D
8.02.2009
My Weekend in the rearview mirror…
Friday, Kim, the kiddos, and I hooked up the camper and headed to Kanopolis for a weekend of roughing it. It took a considerable amount of time to locate a suitable campsite – my fault, I’m picky. After looking at every campsite the State of Kansas had to offer and a majority of the offering from the Federal government, I settled on a spot on Corp land in Venango Park. We set up, ate, and settled in for a comfortable evening around the camp fire. Linda M. joined us for beers and we watched the lightening approach from the west.
I got a FB message to watch the sky and a call from my dad warning of high winds at Stockton. I kept a close eye on the radar and around 11:30 we moved inside to the safety of the camper. Linda left and kept me updated on current conditions as she drove to Ellsworth.
Around midnight the storm hit. High winds and heavy rain, but no warnings. As I rested in my bed, the trailer really got to rocking as the wind intensified. I had Kim wake the kids up as I had every intention of moving to the truck and leaving the camper to fend for its self. Opening the door told me we were taking a chance heading to the truck, so we stayed where we were, moving low in the camper and sitting in the center. The kids were great – no unnecessary crying or worrying. I was worried though. The wind was close to 50 MPH and the camper was taking about all it could stand… When we bought it I asked the salesman: “How much wind can this handle and when should we seek shelter in a more stable structure?” He replied “You’ll know.” He was right. I knew we should have been out of it!
Saturday we went to the Smoky Hill Bombing Range. They were having their tri-annual open house. We saw B-52s, C-130s, F-16s, B-1Bs, and Blackhawk Helicopters. But the true star of the show was the A-10 Warthogs. They did live fire drills with dummy bombs, rockets, and 30 MM shells with their front mounted canon. It was an impressive display. The only draw back to the day was that everyone in Salina must have wanted to attend. From the gate to the parking area is 5 miles. With the traffic, it took us over an hour to make that trip. While we waited in traffic, we were entertained by the Blackhawks. Out of no where, they would appear over hills and fly low over the road. Then they were gone again! It was a unique experience and worth the wait!
Today we spent the day on the lake. Bruce and Julia, friends from Salina, brought their boat over and we tubed all afternoon. Kay fell off once and went nuts. JD had to jump in and swim to her to comfort her. She thought she was going to be stranded! They both had a blast, I think Kim and I did too. The downside? I’m sunburned in various places that I missed with sunscreen. And one more thing… I’ll be sore tomorrow. My muscles are not used to that!
To finish the weekend, we had shakes from Bogeys. What better way to end a weekend than by enjoying a Strawberry Blueberry, Cherry, and Pineapple shake? With that much fruit it has to be healthy!
D
I got a FB message to watch the sky and a call from my dad warning of high winds at Stockton. I kept a close eye on the radar and around 11:30 we moved inside to the safety of the camper. Linda left and kept me updated on current conditions as she drove to Ellsworth.
Around midnight the storm hit. High winds and heavy rain, but no warnings. As I rested in my bed, the trailer really got to rocking as the wind intensified. I had Kim wake the kids up as I had every intention of moving to the truck and leaving the camper to fend for its self. Opening the door told me we were taking a chance heading to the truck, so we stayed where we were, moving low in the camper and sitting in the center. The kids were great – no unnecessary crying or worrying. I was worried though. The wind was close to 50 MPH and the camper was taking about all it could stand… When we bought it I asked the salesman: “How much wind can this handle and when should we seek shelter in a more stable structure?” He replied “You’ll know.” He was right. I knew we should have been out of it!
Saturday we went to the Smoky Hill Bombing Range. They were having their tri-annual open house. We saw B-52s, C-130s, F-16s, B-1Bs, and Blackhawk Helicopters. But the true star of the show was the A-10 Warthogs. They did live fire drills with dummy bombs, rockets, and 30 MM shells with their front mounted canon. It was an impressive display. The only draw back to the day was that everyone in Salina must have wanted to attend. From the gate to the parking area is 5 miles. With the traffic, it took us over an hour to make that trip. While we waited in traffic, we were entertained by the Blackhawks. Out of no where, they would appear over hills and fly low over the road. Then they were gone again! It was a unique experience and worth the wait!
Today we spent the day on the lake. Bruce and Julia, friends from Salina, brought their boat over and we tubed all afternoon. Kay fell off once and went nuts. JD had to jump in and swim to her to comfort her. She thought she was going to be stranded! They both had a blast, I think Kim and I did too. The downside? I’m sunburned in various places that I missed with sunscreen. And one more thing… I’ll be sore tomorrow. My muscles are not used to that!
To finish the weekend, we had shakes from Bogeys. What better way to end a weekend than by enjoying a Strawberry Blueberry, Cherry, and Pineapple shake? With that much fruit it has to be healthy!
D
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